Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge