@YourMomsucksTho

Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?

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@bonehugsnirony

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

@BradBroaddus

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

@BourbonHabit

I’m single with no kids.

I don’t answer to anyone.

“Meow.”

Okay! I’m opening the can now!

Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!

@jinglebayls

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

@FlashyPenguin

[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“A McRib”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”

@titanrn

Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good?

Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.