@YourMomsucksTho: Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?
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@drinksmcgee: *catches a pretty girl’s eye *puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I've collected
@dumbbeezie: I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
@Paxochka: It's cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
@BadMikeyBad: Thanks to SnapChat filters I'm now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels