My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
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Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”