The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?
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INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
shaved ice implies the existence of hairy ice
I’m single with no kids.
I don’t answer to anyone.
Okay! I’m opening the can now!
Please don’t shred the toilet paper again!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[on death row]
“what would you like for your last meal?”
“McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont…oooh well played!”
Wife ran into my ex girlfriend today. I asked if she still looked good?
Always wondered what the worst thing I could say was. That was it.