The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Peach wants to know who is responsible for this sign.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”