@nsterdan

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

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@PaulLomax

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

@lazerdoov

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

@LizHackett

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

@momowelch

Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.

@flashember

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

@PariCalvia

That moment when you leave a store but don’t buy anything, and you’re telling yourself, “act natural, you’re innocent.”