Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted “WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Me; Right, some revision?
Me: Start with chemistry?
Me: Periodic table?
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?