@nsterdan

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

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@UnFitz

Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

@JohnHilsen

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

@Reverend_Scott

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

@0000seapea808

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

@allthatisbecca

I knew I was in trouble when the lady doing my nails shouted “WHO DO YOUR EYEBROW?!”

@wilw

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

@ImaFlyontheWall

*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*

@Book_Krazy

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

@RdrJay47

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

@Puncroaker

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno