I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.