Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
dutch is not a serious language
Ok but actually
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks