@nsterdan

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

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@CrockettForReal

I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it

@cwhudson

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

@boom_goes_the

In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.

@PhuckinCody

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

@Reverend_Scott

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

@mommajessiec

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

@outsmartedmommy

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

@gabbazaba

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

@DanMentos

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

@Lucifervor

Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.