Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.