Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
So inspired right now.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.