me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
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That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.