Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
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Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day