Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
this is funnier than any friends episode
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.