@1evilidiot

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

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@GingerHotDish

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

@MattTheBrand

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

@SJSchauer

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

@climaxximus

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

@3sunzzz

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

@Brianhopecomedy

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

@alyssawolff

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

@shanethevein

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@imhhk

I hate “two-faced” people.

It’s so hard to decide which face to slap first.