Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
January has been Januweary
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?