I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA
Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Me: Goodnight, sleep tight. I’ll miss you ‘til the morning.
8: You miss us when we’re sleeping?
Me: I do. Sometimes I even look at pictures of you after you’ve fallen asleep.
8: Well, that’s weird. Don’t you have anything better to do?
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[inventor of black licorice]
What if you could eat a tire?
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.
Because. They. Will. Explain. It.