Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.