@Playing_Dad *5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
@unravelingfire Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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@Playing_Dad 
@weinerdog4life Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
@Ikea_Monkey_89 When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
@blade_funner (me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
@ryanbrooks A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore
@phalguy Nice guys finish last, cause stamina.
@Rollmaninoz As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
@pleatedjeans A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
@lovemyboots111 Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
@daniburgz Not muting your mic is the new reply all