*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
*slams cymbals together*
A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore
Nice guys finish last, cause stamina.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all