Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
You Might Also Like
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Finally, a door that understands me
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.