Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
You Might Also Like
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that