I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok