Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
How to wake up a Beagle
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.