Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
i did the math
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?