Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I mean…but I did