I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
*Ties you up*
*Handcuffs you to the chair*
*Takes out the whip*
WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!
[pitching a tent]
INVESTOR: this really isn’t a new idea
I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
– Ugh, I do.