is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
(by @ZachWeiner )