@IamEnidColeslaw

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

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@HeyZeus666

I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.

@DrakeGatsby

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

@JustDontBugMe

[Date Night]

*Ties you up*

*Handcuffs you to the chair*

*Takes out the whip*

WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE CHEESECAKE?!

@dxblarssonENG

I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.

@iamspacegirl

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*

@TattleTSister

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

@TheAlexP

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

@Aikiwomannc

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

@SamuelHLowe

– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
– Ugh, I do.