Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
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My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
sliding into dms like
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
bout dat hot dog summer
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.