@Thedudish

“Is my butt is too big?” my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.

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@chuuew

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

@ClichedOut

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

@Dawn_M_

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

@thejessbess

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

@muyrando

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

@pixelatedboat

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

@

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@drinksmcgee

Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.

@Crutnacker

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉