I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
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In a parallel universe nobody can park.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
translated into Canadian
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Would you wear it?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.