[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Is my iPhone named Freedom?
Do I never pick up phone calls on it?
Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
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god: go to earth
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.
Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.
Me: What’s w/the ice pack?
12: I have a headache.
Me: Do you think it’s a good idea to play video games if you have a headache?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.