@Mr_Kapowski

Is my iPhone named Freedom?

Yes

Do I never pick up phone calls on it?

Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring

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@BoomBoomBetty

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

@themiltron

god: go to earth
jesus: why
god: i have a plan
jesus: is it a nice plan
god: it’s a plan

@MelvinofYork

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

@Honda_954

Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

@sarcasticmommy4

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

@kidphonic

Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.

@K_blue

Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.

@theshantilly

Me: What’s w/the ice pack?

12: I have a headache.

Me: Do you think it’s a good idea to play video games if you have a headache?

12: Yes.