When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
Is my iPhone named Freedom?
Do I never pick up phone calls on it?
Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
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God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
Her: Call me names.
Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”