@Mr_Kapowski

Is my iPhone named Freedom?

Yes

Do I never pick up phone calls on it?

Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring

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@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@MrsMikePatton

God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

@Chimfxck_

*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-

@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

@daemonic3

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

@david8hughes

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

@TheWeirdWorld

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.