Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
You Might Also Like
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…