The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me