Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.