Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
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Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
the dark web is just a goth google.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.