I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Not having sex till I have kids
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.