Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
channeling her this year
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad