Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?


My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.


[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*


[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!


My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.


6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?