“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.