Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
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I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
a badder mouse
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?