Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”