“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
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Best table by far
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*