*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
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If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
You better watch out
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
SCARY COSTUME
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?