Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
You Might Also Like
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either