Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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Rambo Rambow
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes