“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

*Pulls out smart car

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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.


“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”


My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.


Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!


Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder



Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef


A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.


“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing


Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.


Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.