Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

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Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?


*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?


Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad


u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life

-ride a bike

-read a good book

-make a sacrifice to the dark lord

-watch a sunset


This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”


Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.


I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money


Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.


I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.