Is anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
u don’t need dangerous marijuana pot
get high on life
-ride a bike
-read a good book
-make a sacrifice to the dark lord
-watch a sunset
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.