@Bexdora

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

You Might Also Like

@GoldenSpirals

The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to “Take Care”.

I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.

@Sickayduh

“What’s this ticket, officer?”
– Loitering
“I didn’t drop trash”
– No. Loitering.
“You talk funny”
– It’s not-
“I’m putting this on Twoiter”

@rolldiggity

If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”

@Iwriteforcats

Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”

@Elizasoul80

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

@Darlainky

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

@Petote

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.