Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
All is fair in drunk and war.
Support your local cemetery
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.