The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to “Take Care”.
I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
“What’s this ticket, officer?”
“I didn’t drop trash”
– No. Loitering.
“You talk funny”
– It’s not-
“I’m putting this on Twoiter”
If you’re in a bar and a newscaster says, “Police report the killer left a small doll at the scene,” don’t shout, “It was an action figure!”
Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too
Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.