Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Worst perfume name ever.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
can’t catch a break
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend