Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
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Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.