Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Breaking news:
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!