@PaperWash

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

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@Just__J0

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

@IndecisiveJones

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

@FredTaming

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

@DanielEdison_

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

@Bob_Janke

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

@AlcoholAndTacos

Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one

@freypalm

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

@TeaAndCopy

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

@GhostPanther

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

@ericsshadow

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.