“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

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Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.


[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze


me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes


“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.


Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.


Trump has so many failed businesses, if he wanted to shut down abortion clinics, he should have just put his name on one


“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed


Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.


If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.


SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.