“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit