“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
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Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
i think both sides are to blame here
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder