Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
You Might Also Like
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’m tired tomorrow.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*