@geekysteven

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

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@RevHughGRection

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

@matt___nelson

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

@AmnesiaRose

Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.

Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

@BraandoCommando

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

@ShootyDoody

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

@thegoodgodabove

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

@tracietom

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

@lejessica

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.