me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: that could what Charles
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
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[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.
Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.