“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
At least my masseuse has my back.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
okay run it by me one more time
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom