My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[first day as an Uber driver]
Customer: dude my phone has gps-
Me: [trying to read 46 printed pages of MapQuest directions] I said no.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.