Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.