What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
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Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?
I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn’t get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: What’d you have for lunch?
Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…