@mathtermind

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

You Might Also Like

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@osno13

Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?

@AGreaterMonster

I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn’t get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.

@Leemanish

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

@leshnevsky

– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.

@BlondAmbitionTO

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

@envydatropic

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

@Fred_Delicious

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

@ComedicBust

*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!