@mathtermind

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

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@dave_cactus

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

@RodLacroix

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

@jwoodham

Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they’re going to say no.

@randypaint

saying “u should smile more”

-boring
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont

@chimneyspotter

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

@TheWeirdWorld

My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.

@HomeWithPeanut

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.