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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Every house has this drawer
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
He wanted to make sure😂
Lube but for my dry humor.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Candid photo of me, eating chips.