@IndecisiveJones

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

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@koala_hugs

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

@Writepop

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

@QwertyJones3

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

@saintmikayla

someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah

@natalie2111

Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”

@theshamingofjay

I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.

@theNuzzy

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!

@Reverend_Scott

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

@_NTFG_

COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”