is the plural of judas judasses or judi

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah

Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”

I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”

Oh so you like stuff? Name three stuff.

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