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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
How actors in movies eat their food
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
just pretend nothing happened
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
A great tip. #CakeRex
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*