@weinerdog4life

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

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@sdurbin23

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

@HumbleBeastDre

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

@jackiembouvier

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

@DaddyJew

Boss: you’re late

Me: traffic

Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again

Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

@Darlainky

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

@Midlifecrisis18

My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.

@sgothreau

What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.