@weinerdog4life

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

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@GrillinChillin9

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

@ThatMummyLife

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

@mess_of_petals

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

@Thedudish

It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

@jazmasta

[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]

@mzeld

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

@HomeProbably

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

@WheelTod

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

@iknowplacesmp6

My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.

He’s so confused.

“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”

I’m……