Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”