Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Boss: you’re late
Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again
Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.
What the hell Hollywood? I’ve never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it’s blood.