Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c**kroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.
He’s so confused.
“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”