Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
All is fair in drunk and war.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.