@Fred_Delicious

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

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@Death_Buddy

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

@KKAlThani

I pretend I’m on the phone when entering a barbershop & say “I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk ” so he doesn’t try to talk to me.

@ndiquote

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

@SardonicTart

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

@KhrisWarhol

McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.

@seamussaid

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

@AdamBroud

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil