Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
oh u like geography? name every lake
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.