@hasht4g

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

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@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

@shutupmikeginn

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

@HelloCullen

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

@elunatyk

I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.

@TragicAllyHere

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

@hermanntrude

Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it

Me:

Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!

@thatUPSdude

Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun?

Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.

@david8hughes

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

@jazz_inmypants

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car 🙂

Guy from UP: my wife died.

Everyone:

Dory: I’m a talking fish!